


The Real Houseservants of Chaldea

by Explosiveglitterqueen, HowAreYouGoodPerson, NadiaWH



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Explosiveglitterqueen/pseuds/Explosiveglitterqueen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowAreYouGoodPerson/pseuds/HowAreYouGoodPerson, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NadiaWH/pseuds/NadiaWH
Summary: A crackfic born from three friends and their love for one mobile phone game.
Kudos: 7





	The Real Houseservants of Chaldea

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be a series of completely goofy one-shots featuring us and our Servants based off random scenarios we make up. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy. ~HowAreYouGoodPerson
> 
> Thanks for reading! ~explosiveglitterqueen
> 
> 'Thanks for reading and showing your support, it means a lot!' UmU ~NadiaWH

Chaldea. A secret government facility that few will ever see. Such a facility must be full of secrets that not even the greatest of detectives can solve... Yet today, DTV has gotten permission to interview the esteemed Masters of Chaldea and give the world a glimpse of three of these humans who carry the fate of humanity on their shoulder..."

A camera, similar to the one used in the ‘Office’ zooms in on Da Vinci and then on a red-haired Chaldean master who was radiating nothing but chaotic energy.

“Hello watchers of DTV! I’m your host Da Vinci-chan! We have a special guest with us today, one of three, I might add. So, tell us a little bit about yourself.”

“Sup nerds, my name’s Count Chaos-”

“Mongrel.” Gilgamesh interjected.

“Shut the [redacted] up.” The red-head gave a quick cough and then turned back to face Da Vinci. “As I was saying, my name’s Count Chaos and these are my servants!”

With a smile, she gestured toward the servants that had decided to join her on this most fateful day.

“These are my wives.” 

With a quick hand gesture, the camera zoomed in on Bride Nero who was giving soft ‘Umu’s’ while Jalter had her flag tip at the ready to puncture another set of holes through her Master.

“This is my husband and the cutest little thing since internet cat videos; Karna!”

Karna’s response was heavily different from the other two. He gently smiled and waved awkwardly while his Master linked arms.

“Oh and this is my Sugar Daddy.”

Just as the camera zoomed in on CasGil, a voice suddenly erupted from the side.

“HE’S YOUR WHAT?! CONTRACTOR WHO IS THIS MAN? BARE THY NECK YOU FOOL!”

“Heh...and that’s….my grandpa…”

“I’LL RIP YOUR GULLET OUT!”

[DTV is experiencing technical difficulties, please standby until further notice]

Screaming ensues while things get toppled over. Jalter’s laugh echoes out while Master’s desperate please for Gramps to stop swinging his sword at her Sugar Daddy go unnoticed.

After taking a short break the cameras started rolling again as on the screen was Romani who appeared to be in a new setting, the summoning room. “H-Hello there I’m your other host Romani Archaman with our second master,” he said attempting to not sound awkward. The camera panned over to girl who was crowded by a couple of servants, one of them being a large serpent woman who didn’t really fit completely in the shot. 

“Ello there! I’m Master Lis,” the short black haired girl introduced herself cheerfully with a smile, giving off a bubbly vibe. 

“Master weren’t we here for a reason,” a servant dressed like a knight with silver hair politely asked leaning close. Blinking a bit before letting out a nervous laugh she itched her cheek before saying, “Oh right! Hehe, this is the summoning room! This is where us masters summon new servants to make contracts with,” she explained with glee.

“Oh, as I can’t forget to introduce my lovely partners,” Lis said gesturing to those around her, making sure to point to each one:

“This is my good boi Bedivere,” the silver haired knight whose face was slightly pink from his introduction but still gave a charming smile, waving to the camera.

“Two of my beauties Gorgon and Medusa,” the larger woman serpent had a menacing glare as the camera zoomed out to get all of her in the shot before zooming back in to the smaller version who didn’t seem to know how to act or respond.

“As finally this is Carmilla and Enkidu,” the camera panned over to the curly white haired woman who gave off a dark air about her as the long green hair male... female?? Stood on the other side.

“Master I want your blood,” Carmilla had said 

“Touch her and I’ll turn you to stone, if anyone is to bring pain to her it’s me,” Gorgon said threateningly.

In a panic Romani jumped in front of the camera frantically shouting, “R-Right! Thank you Lis, w-we’ll be back after these messages! A-AH no, no fighting in the summoning room!” 

\-----------

“Um, excuse me, is this on? It is? Thank you very much!”

The girl adjusted her glasses, moving a stray lock of purple hair back (despite the fact it fell back into place anyway.) She took a deep breath, before pulling on a smile.

“Good evening everyone, I’m your final host for today, Mash Kyrielight. I’ll be taking over for do-er, I mean, Host Romani, as he’s currently in the infirmary both as the doctor and patient due to some… Unfortunate events…”

“Anyway! We have one more Master to introduce today, so let’s go meet them!” With a quick bow, the girl wandered through the halls, right to the room assigned to said Master. With a quick knock, she waited…

And waited…

… And waited…

“Um… Excuse me, it’s time for your interview Master MC…” … No response…

It felt a bit rude, but… Surely they wouldn’t be upset if she entered, right?

Checking the halls for signs of life, Mash carefully pushed open the door, only to find… Nothing at all. At most, a few boxes tucked away in the corner.

“... For some reason, I feel like this is going to be a long interview…”

\------------

… Just how many hours had it been…

The crew had searched the entirety of Chaldea’s parameters, yet not a single soul had seen them… It was already late, they had no choice but to call it a day.

On the bright side, Host Romani was doing much better! He just needed some bandages stored in the Second Archive so he could finish patching himself up! With that thought in mind, Mash swung open the door.

Only to be greeted by the exact person she’d been looking for, staring at her with wide eyes.

“... YOU’VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!?!” 

“... Yeah? This is my room?? I thought you all knew that.” There were many emotions flooding through the young reality TV show host, but to make things simple, she simply decided to settle on relief.

“ I… No, no one was aware. We were told your room was on the East corridor.”

“Oof. Yeah, I live here now. With Drake and Shuten getting drunk every night, I couldn’t sleep. Besides, there’s a lot more room in here, so if Cu Alter decides to plop in, he isn’t breaking all my furniture with his tail.”

… While the young host was still upset about having wasted the interview, they couldn’t blame them for the change in room…

… On the bright side, at least no one almost died this time!

\-----------

The three Masters stood proudly side by side, their favorite Servants standing proudly by their sides. Sweeping her bangs aside once more, Mash looked towards the camera.

“And that’s our Masters! Now, before we leave, can we get a statement from each of you? I think it would help to reassure our viewers that Chaldea is in responsible, capable hands! How about you… Count Chaos? Is that your actual name?”

A playful smile curved on her lips and she gave a teasing wink. “Well, well, well, aren’t we a little curious? If you want to know my true name, then you’ll have to stick around and find out in the future.”

Once the camera was off of master candidate 420, it shifted over to the servant who had stood by her side all evening. He had barely said anything, or actually anything at all, but the moment the microphone was held up in his face, he seemed to muster up the courage he had to speak before the audience.

:”Yes, please continue to stick with us, we’re happy to have you.” Mash couldn’t resist returning a smile at Karna’s blank, yet sweet demeanor.

“Thank you Count Chaos and Karna! Now, onto the next Master! Do you have any special words for our viewers Master MC?” The girl fiddled with a dark brown pigtail, looking anxious as she replied.

“Ah, well… I guess we’ll do our best at our jobs. Do you want to say anything Jekyll?” The mic was held out to the doctor, who opened his mouth to speak, only to go blank, a glazed look in his eyes.

“... Oh no…” Before she could react, the mic was swiped.

“EMIYA IF YOU’RE WATCHIN’ THIS I’LL FIND THE ****IN’ BRANDY YOU HID YOU SON OF A BI-MMHF!!!” The Berserker was dragged away (by some miracle) by his Master, who looked away in shame… (Though they hid a smile.)

All Mash could do was listen to his screams fade out into the distance…

“... A-anyway… Onto our final Master! Master Lis, is there anything you’d like to share with the viewers?” 

Giving a curt nod, Lis smiled while looking at the camera waving slightly. “Thanks for tuning in everyone! Hopefully you’ll come back for next time, right Medusa,” the master said, glancing over to the taller servant who was silent the entire time, looking over to her master when her name was called.

“Yes, if that is what will make my master happy, I will hope you all return,” Medusa said flatly when staring at the camera though she had a mask covering her eyes.

With those last words from the final Master the camera moved back over to be on Mash as the purple haired girl nodded with a soft smile. “Well you’ve heard it from our masters and this is all for this episode. Until next time… We shall see you all in the next video,” Mash said wrapping it up as she gave a bright smile, waving to the camera.

\---------------------  
One Hour Later  
\---------------------

The Master checked the halls, making sure that no eyes were watching before she snuck into the Wardrobe room, locking eyes with the many Servants who were already there. Within moments, the door was locked, Master MC taking a seat at the table forced into the room.

“The interview’s over. They all think I’m sweet and innocent… Just like we want it~” Snickers filled the air, a few glasses clinking, as one voice spoke above them all…

A voice of a man who seemed to be in his fifties…

“Great work Master! The game has officially started now… So! What shall we do first? I suggest taking out the competition as swiftly as possible, though savoring their bitter defeat isn’t bad at all…” From her seat, Shuten giggled, taking another swig of wine.

“Of course, I could just melt them all with even a little drop of my wine… Feasting on their bones would be quite lovely~” The remainder of the table gave the two blank looks (save Cu Alter, who simply didn’t care.)

“... James, Shuten… We’re not trying to kill the competition… We’re just trying to start drama…” The two servants dropped in their seats.

“... Oh…”

Suddenly, the door opened, blinding bright light flooding the room. Jeanne and Xuangzang scooted through the tall piles of clothes and boxes, plates of cookies (and rice balls) in hand.

“Master, we’ve been looking everywhere for y-...”

“...”

“... Master? What’s going on here?”

The ear-piercing shatter of Drake’s mug slamming on the ground filled the air.

“SCATTER!!!”

And thus the room was alone, save for a confused Jeanne and Xuangzang…

(And Cu Alter, who just didn’t care.)


End file.
